how do you unlove someone?

People say that love is hard.

Finding time away from work is hard. Finding a job you like is hard. Finding good flatmates is hard. Even finding good parking on a Friday night is hard.

The word hard is often taken to mean "difficult to do" or "involving a great deal of effort, energy, or persistence" and yes love can be both of these. But it goes beyond hard.

I need a word that includes all these too:
Hurt, doubt, numbness, attachment, hope, sadness, temporary highs and lows, disillusion, confusion, moments of insanity, desperation, total and utter physical, emotional, spiritual and mental defeat.

What happens when the one you love has hurt you and broken your heart? I know all couples have ups and down and times when they have doubts. But how do you recover from that? How can you ever trust in love again?

My bf of 3yrs and I have been going through a rough patch. To be honest I dont know if the bad times are the phases or the good times are phases anymore. Fighting over stupid things - the things that are said end up hurting more than the actual fight. They are never bad enough to leave so we always get through it, but it’s never the same. Walls are being put up. I don’t want to fight anymore and the only way I know how to do this is to stop caring.

I love him but I don’t want to. On the surface everything is OK, but is OK really OK? How do you unlove someone?

I want to see that our fights are stupid and be able to go on like nothing happened once we made up... but something did happen. Somethings were said out of anger but somehow they can’t be unsaid out of love. I know couples fight and they get over it - but why cant I? I want to be able to say "what didn’t kill us made us stronger" but I cant - what didn’t kill us only left us with bruised hearts. He says too much has happened for us to not work it out - but too much has happened that I can’t let go of. I want to stop caring, stop feeling. By letting go of the "future" I can let go of the past.

How can you be with someone and still feel so alone?

I want to forget. Right now I feel... lost, sad, confused.. But I have some hope this feeling will pass - just like it temporarly does every other time. Another part wants to just shut off and leave - but I want to stop loving him before I leave. Slowly I will distance myself, find other things to do in life that doesn’t involve him, and come up with excuses every time there is a family occasion on. I will say I just want to be on my own but really I just want to get used to being without him.

It’s a slow and painful death I know, but I can’t let go until I have stopped loving him and this is the only way I know how to do it. He’s walked away before, I’ve walked away before - I can’t trust that either of us wont ever walk away again. Every time we fight it doesn’t feel like a fight - it feels like a break-up or a threat of a break-up. I just cant live with that pressure anymore.